Star Trek: Into Darkness

 

Star Trek: Into Darkness

**1/2

Okay, I admit it. I’ve watched all of the original Star Trek movies.

And since I’m confessing here, I admit that I enjoyed each and every one of them.

But here’s the thing: although all of the Star Trek movies are pretty good, none of them are great.

To me, Star Trek is not in the same category as Star Wars, Harry Potter, and Twilight. Those other sagas are visionary masterpieces. Star Trek is just of bunch of cute sci-fi buddy movies. Nothing more. They can be enjoyed, but not taken seriously.

It doesn’t even seem like the people in the movies are taking them seriously. Whenever William Shatner delivers a line, I picture that just before the director yelled action, Shatner said something like: “How do you expect me to say this nonsense? Bring in the nerdy idiot who wrote this right now! I am going to give him a wedgie. And then I’m going to write a better scene on the back of his underpants and use them as a cue card.”

Then I picture the producer showing Shatner the clause in his contract that stipulates that he will not get paid if he harms or humiliates the screenwriter. Shatner calms down, swallows his pride, and reads the line as written in the script. And after the director yells cut, Shatner rolls his eyes and takes a swig of $80 scotch.

It never seemed like William Shatner was taking the old Star Trek movies seriously. And it doesn’t feel like director JJ Abrams is taking the new Star Trek movies very seriously, either.

“Star Trek: Into Darkness” rigidly follows the old summer popcorn flick formula: there’s loud, suspenseful action for twenty minutes. Then a five minute break when one of the characters makes a soap opera-style speech about his feelings. Then back to the action.

I’m not saying that “Star Trek: Into Darkness” is a bad movie. It had enough pretty people, pretty special effects, and pretty 3D to keep me entertained.

I’m just saying that it isn’t a great movie. None of the Star Trek movies are. So why do they keep making them? Probably because chumps like me keep watching them. Sorry about that.